BREAKING NEWS: Husband learns heart problems are really love

Saturday, Feb. 14, 2009

LOGAN, Utah — After having been together for nearly three years, the husband of 21-year-old housewife Debra Hawkins confesses he has a serious heart condition.

After repeated visits to doctors, specialists, headshrinkers, automated tellers and “how hot is your love palm reading machines,” husband Seth Hawkins learned the truth about the lump in his heart and butterflies in his stomach that continually arise whenever he is around his wife.

“For years, I thought it was just bad indigestion,” Seth said. “I mean, with all the stuff I eat – pizza, hot dogs, tacos, Elmer’s glue – I figured all those internal problems could be traced back to those. I never suspected it was something deeper.”

Neither did his wife, until things started to change for her. Just over two year ago, on their wedding day, Debra started to feel a little internal problems herself. This she attributed to the simple love flurries of an exciting day, but as she reflected on it, her attitude changed.

“I thought to myself, ‘that’s the dumbest reasoning for these internal heart pains, I’ll bet it’s because it just hit me that I married this guy for life. Oh man, I sure hope his warranty holds out,” Debra said.

The first year of marriage got rid of Debra’s anxiety pains, but Seth’s internal problems only grew.

“I don’t know what happened, but suddenly I started to realize some things about my wife,” Seth said. “I saw how wonderful she was to me. She always gives me 110% of her love – though, I don’t really understand how the mathematics of all that work. I mean, 100% should be the ultimate right? – and she is the sweetest woman alive.”

Seth said he is impressed by the way his wife picks up his socks that he swears he has a mental disability preventing him from putting them in the laundry basket. He said her laundry skills, her cooking abilities, her tenacity at using words like butt-munch when playing Dr. Mario, only serve to make him want to be around her more. But whenever he is around her more, his heart problems worsen.

“Yeah, I noticed his problem worsen over the years,” Debra said. “I think it affects his eyes too because whenever I’m around him for any length of time, I’ll catch him gazing deeply into my eyes. Don’t tell anyone, but it kind of creeps me out.”

One memorable night, the pieces all started to come together for Seth. He was watching “The Notebook” with his wife, eating popcorn and drinking IBC Root beer, when his internal problems returned. The fluttering butterflies in his stomach were out of control and his heart was pounding like he’d just run his maximum running distance of 40 yards.

“I thought I was going into cardiac arrest,” Seth said. “Come on, I was watching a chick flick, of course my heart was probably trying to kill me to end the agony.”

But as Seth paused to think about it, he realized these feelings weren’t because of Ryan Gossling’s gangly, semi-stoned dreamy eyes, they were because of his wife. As Noah lay dying with his wife Allie, Seth said he thought to himself, “I sure hope I die like that. I want to die with my wife in my arms. Oh, and a Dr. Pepper in the other hand would be nice as well. Ooh, and dramatic music in the background wouldn’t hurt either.”

As the movie finished, a light turned on for Seth.

“It hit me like a ton of bricks,” Seth said. “Well, not really a ton of bricks, because that would probably kill me and make for one messy excavation of my body. More like a few bricks to knock me out, give me a good concussion and then wake up with a new outlook on life. Yeah, that’s what it was. What were we talking about again?”

REPORTER: “Your revelation.”

“Oh, right, my revelation,” Seth said. “Yes, I had an epiphany while ‘The Notebook’ credits rolled. I knew Debra was my Allie. That she is my best friend and even when I’m old, I want to be with her. Even when she loses her mind at age 56 – which is bound to happen – I will remind her every day of who I am and how much she means to me. I want to be that old couple that shuffles through the mall for hours on end on Thursday afternoons, wearing outdated sweaters and holding hands. I want to proudly tell people my wife is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I want her to know I love her. And that’s when I knew what those internal problems were: they were love. And even if they make my heart race and my stomach get knotted up just looking at her, I always want to have them. It’s the best ailment I’ve ever had. It’s love and I love her.”

This breaking news brought to you courtesy of hijacked blogging services and Debra’s husband.